This afternoon from three, Giles Peterson.
At one, Liz Kershaw.
Right now, it's Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman.
It was bad, called on sin And the rich were so dim Standing home for the lost For the lost, village queen Victoria was my queen
Lock me in, in the land that I love Though I fall, I am free Where I go, I survive For this land, I will die May the sun never set
Well, I
I was feeling so depressed, I tried to hide away From violence and hate and creepy people every day Then I discovered something that made me feel so gay They took me in and fixed me up and now I got to say It was A&E who done this to me, yes it was
waiting for my words to catch like I'm trying to strike a match that's soaking wet see through skull see through skin leave all the lights on can't see out but they see in
Trees
Local natives breakers on six music before that the fall and victoria morning.
Hey, how you doing edith?
How are you doing?
You got to say my name adam.
Yeah, very well.
Thank you edith bowman Adam buxton week.
Yeah, very well relatively good week.
I was just in front of the computer trying to do my song for song wars
What about you?
How long did it take you to do yours?
I had not appreciated the pressure.
It's a nightmare, isn't it?
It's a nightmare.
Why have we done it?
That's why Cornballs jumped ship and went to Hollywood.
He was fed up of doing song wars.
Easier writing scripts for Spielberg than a song war.
I tell you, less revisions probably.
But yeah, because you were quiet on Twitter at the start of the week, so I was a bit kind of a bit worried about that.
And then suddenly you appeared and were like, oh, it's rubbish.
Well, Thursday, I completed it.
I finally completed it on Thursday.
We're doing that.
We're going to unveil our Song Wars songs listeners, incidentally, later on in the show, I would say sometime between 10.30 and 11.
And they are about hotels.
We set ourselves that topic a few weeks back.
Sorry, I sprung it on Edith apparently.
But I was confident that she would have the chops because I know she's a great singer.
I've seen her on TV singing Venus by Bananarama.
He said you'd never mention that.
Who did Venus originally?
It was Banana Arms.
Shocking Blue or something like that.
And so I know you're one of the best singers in the UK, if not the world, and also you are married to a talented musician.
Not married, we live in sin.
Remember that.
Please stop saying that.
I'll never get that right.
It's as if I can't believe that people don't get married.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Even though no one really gets married anymore and if they do they just get divorced after about five years.
That's why we're not married.
So yeah, anyway, so your husband is a brilliant musician and so has he given you any help?
A little bit.
I hope so, yeah.
But he's given me help with a twist in that he wants something in return from you.
Ooh.
So I'll tell you about that when we do Song Wars.
Mate, okay.
Yeah.
And I will do my best.
Last week you brought in a jingle for Brian Eno and you made me a mixtape, both of which I was pretty brutal about.
He threw down and stamped on basically.
Yeah, I was very rude.
And throughout the week people have been tweeting saying, yeah, that's bullying in the workplace, someone said.
jingle gate and basically just rude especially as last week the topic for our memory bank chat point was rudeness I sort of ended up embracing it very boorishly and rudely for which I apologize but you better brace yourself because it's gonna happen all over again
A what?
I'm joking.
Well it's funny because I want to talk about your mixtape that you gave me.
Because you made me an actually really lovely lullaby mixtape.
Yes, to say sorry for the shouting one and for the rudeness.
Which I've listened to loads this week.
It's good isn't it?
It's been my soundtrack for the entire week.
I made Edith a mixtape for her, or a mixtape CD for her unborn child.
And indeed for her child that exists.
And for me.
And for you, and for anyone who just, if you want some quiet time, some special Edith time, if things are getting on top of you, you can just go into a room, turn the lights out, cover yourself in margarine, and this is what I do.
I now have the framed picture of you on the front cover by my bedside as well, just to help me sleep at night.
Quite right.
As David Bowie, I was, you know, photoshopped my face into the cover of Young Americans, which is a very sexy, very sexy image.
Yeah, sultry.
What's your favourite song on that mixtape then, on the CD?
I really love the Travis Humpty Dumpty song.
Yeah, that's a nice version, isn't it?
Which is really, really nice.
And I love the Beach Boys track as well.
Yeah.
Which is very good.
But it goes a bit weird.
It does go weird.
I'm going to do this with you now actually.
It starts off brilliantly.
You can feel this kicking my shoes off.
Just kind of relax a bit.
And there we go.
It's a lovely song.
Love this.
And it continues in this sort of vein.
There's some really nice choices.
There's a bit of John Lennon in there.
Beautiful boy.
Darling boy.
Gorgeous.
However, in the middle,
goes a little bit weird.
Brian Eno.
I kind of felt like Daniel Lanoir.
I was about to enter some kind of therapy room for a massage.
This is very new age isn't it this one but I mean it is from a classic album Apollo atmospheres and soundtracks.
And there's more.
I did feel like I needed someone to give me a bit of reflexology.
Yes, I could come in and give you a sexual massage, rub some stones on your face.
This is Cornelius.
And then we went total like hippie.
Aw, you can't argue with Sakamoto!
It's... I mean, it's like plinky-plonky whale music.
It is sounding massively whale music-y, isn't it?
But then you came back around again towards the end, so it's absolutely fine.
But it reminded me of this time that I went for a float in a float tank.
Have you ever been for a float in a float tank?
I never have, always wanted to.
But I'm frightened that if I did I would transform into an earlier primeval version of myself, as in Alton States.
There's one thing I want to do, maybe if you go for a float I'll do this to you, because they play that type of music in the background whilst you're lying there in salt and with this kind of really kind of mental mood music, is to change the music.
So you're lying there, you've got Sakamoto on in the background, you're totally relaxed, out of body experience, then suddenly the music changes.
Would you be freaked out?
Well, I suppose if there was an actual shark in the tank, I would.
Yes, I would, because that would be awful.
Even if it was a small shark, I'd be upset.
That bet would get me.
The little Trump trumpet would get me every time.
Well, I'm glad you've been listening to it.
And that's made me think differently about my music choice.
You know, it's the first time that I've spoken to someone about that particular selection of music.
Really?
Yeah, because I've made the compilation for people before, but never actually discussed it with them.
And it is true that it is quite new agey in sort of a pathetic way.
I imagine you in a kind of karate-style pyjamas wandering around the house listening to it.
That's what it's like, yeah.
I tried to play that kind of music to my wife when she was giving birth to our third child and she screamed at me to turn it off.
So, maybe there's something in that.
Anyway, listen, we're going to tell you more about what's coming up in the show.
Yeah, and what happened to the beers this week as well, which is very exciting.
bears.
It's extremely exciting.
Everyone's been talking about it.
But right now, here's a track that's been chosen by Powergold.
Powergold is the name of the computer that chooses the music on this show and some other six music shows.
And Powergold's done an amazing job to select this one by Gil Scott-Heron.
And if you don't get a help quick, you won't make it through the day Could you call on Lady Day?
Could you call on John Coltrane now?
Cause they'll, they'll watch your troubles, your troubles, your troubles
No beginning, there ain't no ending Just on and on and on and on and on It's all because they're so afraid To say that they're alone
Then watch your troubles, your troubles, your troubles
And if you don't get a help quick, you won't make it through the day.
Could you call on Lady Day?
Could you call on John Coltrane now?
Because they'll wash your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles, your troubles away.
Love, love, love.
Great tune.
Gil Scott-Heron, Lady Day and John Coltrane.
Father of Robbie.
As, uh, selected by PowerGold.
Music computer.
Here at the big British castle.
I've selected some very exciting tracks for the show today.
Hope you'll enjoy them.
There's a nice bit of Gil Scott-Heron.
Lady Day.
Uh, yeah, so who was Lady Day, uh... No idea.
She was a jazz singer, wasn't she?
I think she was the lady that sang Lullaby of Birdland.
Okay.
Is it Lullaby of Birdland?
I'm getting all my facts.
Not Lullaby of Broadway?
No.
Something of Birdland.
Come on, help us out.
Nest of Birdland.
You know this, right?
Yeah, come on, of course you do.
I mean, obviously we could Google it, but that would involve some energetic typing, which I just don't have the energy for.
We've got to say a massive thank you to Ryan, is it Ryan Balan?
Balas.
Balas, who is a very talented artist who makes comics and things of such and transformed our bears into cartoon characters this week.
So they've spent their life this week in a cartoon, which is pretty fantastic.
Yeah, I like it a lot.
They're amazing and so good.
He's a very talented illustrator or cartoonist, whatever you want to call him.
He lives in the Ipswich area, which is my wood neck.
Yeah.
So Ryan, maybe I'll see you.
Yeah, well, I'll wave at you as the train goes past because I'm not getting out at Ipswich.
No, it's a great place.
Ipswich always fun people get on the train whenever it goes past Ipswich.
maybe Ryan I'll see you sometime but wow it's brilliant thank you so much man and what we've done is we have voiced the action in the cartoon and it is going to be chopped up by the online team and uploaded to the six music Facebook page and the website I believe as well yeah bbc.co.uk for such six music that's gonna happen sometime today I think
I think it is, yeah.
It's exciting.
So good.
He's also drawn me with a jumper on that I'd actually quite like the actual real-life jumper.
So if you can knit as well.
Yeah.
They are very flattering renderings of both of us, actually.
I look incredibly sexy.
Amazing girth on your beard in this.
I know.
He's made me look like a sort of rugged, lean, mountain man.
Kind of Mark Ruffalo type, sort of Hulk type thing.
I wish I looked like that.
I wish I could draw.
yeah I wish you could too that's one of the many things you wish I could do that I wish you could do later on we're gonna be finding out if writing songs is one of them that's coming up Song Wars our first Song Wars battle me and Edith will be between 10 30 and 11 here on the program we also have made up jokes on your way after a successful triumphant return last week of made up jokes yeah a memory bank is well on the way today yeah
All that to come.
I'm going to play you a track now, which is in no way reflective of my song for Song Wars today.
It's just a track I heard this week and I was like, got to get that in on the show today.
Big fan of Grandaddy.
I'm not sure what they're doing at the minute.
Have you got any new music planned or what?
I hope so.
But this is AM180 from Grandaddy on Six Music.
days and talk about things important to us like whatever.
We'll defuse bombs, walk marathons, and take on whatever together.
They were the coolest band.
This mix of punk and ska and reggae which they managed to invent.
Everyone got into the specials.
The last time I saw them in the summer in Hyde Park, it was just as riveting as it ever was.
And that's where this idea was born, to invite the band to the Mother Vale Studios.
I think it's one of the best gigs we've pulled off in my 10 years here at Six Music, and I honestly can't tell you how excited I am by it.
It's like when I was 14 years old, listening to them for the first time.
But now here we are, all grown-ups, going to see them live in front of an invited audience and you, the listeners.
It's going to be marvellous.
This Wednesday afternoon, from 4, only on BBC Radio 6 Music.
As you are, I want you As you are, I want you As you are So come sugarplum, what you got to lose Masquerading virtuosos, evacuate the venue Come sugarplum,
That's Sugarplum by Eugene McGuinness.
Very nice, enjoyed that.
Haven't heard that before.
It's quite David Birney's in the way he sings, I like it a lot.
Yeah, I suppose, yeah.
The sort of high register there, whatever you want to call it.
Billie Holiday.
There we go.
Is what Lady Day was also known as.
Lady sings the blues.
And she did sing Lullaby of Birdland.
Hey, how you doing listeners?
Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman here with you on a Saturday morning on Six Music.
I just went to use the facilities.
And?
And I was looking for my friend, the hair that has been there for the last few weeks dangling from the cistern.
I put a picture of it on the website last week if you want to see.
Hello!
It's always nice to see him.
How are you?
Yeah, very good, thanks.
How have you been?
Okay, not bad.
I saw Steve and Max Julius today.
That's great.
Thank you very much.
And he's still there.
Yes.
He's still there.
But someone has done something to him.
have they tongued him?
He hasn't been tongued, no, in fact it's the opposite, he's been straightened by a piece of cellotape onto which is affixed a crudely ripped photocopied picture of Joseph Cornwall's Cornish.
Someone stuck Joe's face with cellotape to the end of the hair, the toilet hair.
What does that mean?
What am I supposed to make of that?
What kind of message is that sending?
And who did it?
And who done it?
I mean, that is the question.
There should be some kind of large... Do we have CCTV in the toilets?
BBC Style Inquiry, you know, launched for this.
I mean, I'm going to put a picture of it on the website so you can see what I'm talking about.
I'm going to do that during the news.
It's just gone 10.30.
BBC Six Music, here is the news.
Peace.
This is BBC Radio 6 Music.
Radio stations shock after death of hoax call nurse.
Hague warns about Syria's chemical weapons threat and England on the verge of test victory in India.
BBC News at 10.30.
I'm Harvey Cook.
An Australian radio station has said it's shocked that a prank call by two of its presenters led to the death of a nurse at the hospital which treated the Duchess of Cambridge for acute morning sickness.
Jacinta Saldana, who worked at the clinic where the Seventh Hospital was founded yesterday.
Duncan Kennedy is following the story in Sydney.
The station itself has said it will cooperate with any investigation, but that it doesn't feel as though it's done anything wrong.
It's had its lawyers look at this and they say there's been no breach of the law, so far as they're concerned, no breach of their protocols.
They say they're deeply sorry and sorrowful for the family who got caught up in this in London.
The Foreign Secretary William Hague says there's evidence that Syria has been making chemical weapons ready for use against the rebels fighting to force President Assad from power.
He repeated the warning given this week by President Obama that any use of chemical weapons would provoke a serious response.
Eight police officers were injured in Northern Ireland last night during rioting by loyalists angry about a decision to restrict the flying of the Union flag over Belfast City Hall.
A major security operation has been mounted to prevent more trouble today.
Campaigners are to hold protests at more than 40 Starbucks cafes, even though the company has offered to pay millions of pounds in corporation tax.
Anna Walker from UK Uncut says the offer is a desperate attempt by Starbucks to deflect public pressure.
that they've promised to pay is a PR stunt straight out of the marketing budget.
They haven't actually offered to change the way that they organise their tax fares in the UK, so they are still using the tax loopholes that is costing this country an awful lot of money.
A court will decide this morning whether a seven-year-old boy can undergo radiotherapy following surgery on a brain tumour.
His mother doesn't want him to have the treatment.
And England's cricketers are closing in on victory in the third test against India in Kolkata.
England were bowled out for 523, meaning India needed 207 to make the Tourists bat again.
The home side have just reached that target a short time ago.
They were 222 for 9, that's a lead of 15.
That's the Good News for you, I'm back with more at 11.30.
This is SIX MUSIC.
Well, it happened years ago When you lived on Standard Road Well, listen to your sister When she came home from school She was two years older And she had boys in her room Listen outside, I heard her all right
Well, that was all right for a while But soon I wanted more I wanted to see it as well as hear it, so I I hid inside her wardrobe And she came home around four And she was with some kid called David And from the garage up the road
I wanna take you home I wanna give you children You might be my girlfriend Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah When I saw you next day I really couldn't tell Cause you might go and tell your mother
So you went with me, oh yeah, it was coming on And I thought I heard you laughing when this moment that we're gone I was outside, I heard you, alright Oh I wanna take you home, I wanna give you children And you might be my girlfriend, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh well I guess, I couldn't last too long I came home one day, and all my thoughts were gone I fell asleep inside, I never heard her come Oh I opened up the wardrobe
Get it on, yeah.
Now listen.
We were on the bed when you came home.
I heard you stomp outside the door.
I know you won't believe it's true.
I only went with her because she looks like you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Six Music's very own Jarvis Cocker, Pulp & Babies.
He's not doing his show tomorrow.
John Cooper Clark is on from four till six, who, I'm reliably informed, smells amazing.
Good standing.
That's gonna be amazing.
Yeah.
He is brilliant, John Cooper Clark.
I'm excited because I am in Kevin Eldon's new sketch show.
Yeah.
I pop up once or twice and so John Cooper Clark will see that because he's a big Kevin Eldon fan.
And so I'm gonna be seen by John Cooper Clark's eyes
just hung a hang around tomorrow between four and six you could touch him yeah but I've got to get back to attend to my family to keep everyone in line you know smack them down if they're getting uppity check on the broccoli how is the picture up yet for of the the the graffitied hair it is yes it's there so you can go and see what people have done to the hair the toilet hair you say people I think Joe's done it
is what he would have said.
Joe's done it.
You reckon?
Past still works.
He sneaked in here, stuck his face on the end of a hair.
Yeah, I imagine so because he's not busy at all.
So yeah, that would be a good use of his time.
Exactly.
It's on Facebook.
Now head to Six Music Facebook site.
Yes, yes, yes.
And incidentally, email address for any kind of communications is adamandedithatbbc.co.uk or for briefer communications or easier if you prefer to text, you can text on 64046.
Shall we just fire off the terms and conditions for communication throughout the show while we're here so we don't have to do it during Memory Bank?
Do you want them to know?
Yeah.
When you text or tweet, please make sure it's safe to do so.
Please do not tweet while driving, flying a plane, performing major surgery, speaking to other people, sitting in a cinema or making sweet, sweet love.
Please keep all communication concise, amazing and non-abusive.
Excessively long and rambly messages will not be read.
Charges for stray apostrophes will appear on your bill.
Messages may be edited, then read out badly or in stupid voices.
We cannot accept responsibility for distress caused by failure to read out messages.
Your texts will be charged at your standard message rate.
Thank you.
So there you go.
Those are the terms and conditions.
Bear those in mind if and when you get in touch.
And maybe you'd like to get in touch with an answer to this question, Edith.
Now, do you have pets?
You don't have pets in your house.
No, I'm allergic to most things.
Allergical.
Yeah.
So you don't have a hamster?
Don't have a hamster.
No.
We actually, we do have, well I say we do, we did have fish, which just seemed to not last very long.
Not fish from Meridian.
Not the actual person.
No.
We've got, because we've got David the hamster Hammond, instead of an actual hamster, he comes round.
Does he go one of those wheel things?
Yeah, the children look after him.
And they don't pay much attention to him anymore, actually.
He just sits in the corner?
Yeah, the day we got him, they were excited.
But now he just sits in the corner and soils himself.
And occasionally we give him a carrot and he's happy with that.
But the question I wanted to ask you, though, is imagine this.
You have a hamster.
Pretend you have a hamster.
Okay.
And the creature gets loose and goes rampaging around the house.
And you can't find the hamster.
This happened to a friend of mine, right?
Oh, a friend.
No, it didn't happen to us.
It happened to a friend of my wife's, actually.
And how do you locate the hamster?
You assume that it's still in the house.
You shut all the doors, right?
The outside doors.
Yeah.
You go room by room?
You go room by room, you search, you search the place, but it's no good because those guys, those hamster guys.
Little guys.
They hide, they're good at the hiding.
Little fur balls.
And so how do you actually establish whereabouts in the house the hamster has got to?
Surely you kind of, you know, you leave the favourite meal out for it.
Yeah, but then it'll just eat your favourite meal and that'll be the end of that.
But if you put it in one room, with a kind of trap.
Yeah.
of some sort.
by closing all the doors of the rooms and putting a piece of food in the middle of the room and so then in the morning they found the room where the food had been eaten and established that the hamster was in that room.
So good bit of lateral thinking that Dr. Buckles would never have thought of.
I would have been sprinkling.
I would have created like a sort of laser carpet like they have with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery in that dreadful, dreadful film.
What was that dreadful film called?
Oh, Entrapment.
Good one, Ben.
Not quite as good as Tom Cruise in Minority Reports when he gets lowered down into that laser trap as well.
I like that bit.
Right.
Is that a minority?
He's always being lowered down into things, isn't he?
Anyway, listen, so that's just a useful bit of information if you've got hamster problems or if you live with David Hammond.
But after that, sorry, Edith, you were going to say?
I was just going to say, I've got a coin here because I believe that's how we're choosing.
Song Wars.
We're going to be flipping that coin after this next track and then we will unveil our Song Wars efforts, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time here on Six Music.
But right now this is Beth Wharton with Call Me The Breeze.
side by side
Beth Orton on Six Music, Call Me The Breeze.
Love that song.
It's a beautiful sound.
Beautiful!
I feel a bit sick, if I'm being honest about this now.
Because you're pregnant.
No, I'm past that stage.
Oh.
Yeah.
Just on to stuffing my face now on that stage of pregnancy.
The fun stage.
The fun stage, yeah.
The burger stage.
The burger and coal.
Yeah, anything, basically.
Yeah.
Crispy Mars Bar cakes with beetroot are my latest.
It's really tasty.
That's normal in Scotland though, isn't it?
little bit of racism funny you should say that as we are about to enter song wars yes and I have a coin okay two pence piece in case you're interested listen fire off the jingle first and let's get us into our first song wars battle myself and Edith Bowman here on six music it's time for song wars
So check it out.
It's an incredibly weedy jingle isn't it?
I quite like it.
Nice to hear it again though and we're going to flip the coin and then we will see who's going to play their song about a hotel or hotels first.
You go, you pick, you pick.
Heads or tails?
Tails, I go first.
Okay.
Whoa.
Mate, you've got to catch the coin mate.
That's the only thing.
I didn't look.
Yeah.
Tails it is.
Tails.
Are you going to enter it or shall I just play it?
Well, what do I need to say about this?
So we both got musical help this week.
Oh, who did you get help from?
I got help.
Not Harry, Radiohead.
No, not Radiohead.
Nigel Godrich.
No, no, unfortunately.
The black man.
Unbelievable as it might seem, those people are too busy to help.
No, no.
He's a guy called Stuart Earle who helped me do music for the TV show Bug that I did in the summer.
and um It is a sort of craft work inspired.
Yeah this track Um, what else do I need to say about it?
Not much.
It's about my well It's it's about my affection for a certain type of hotel Where I mean it might seem listening to the song that i'm being snooty and irreverent about it But that's not the case.
I enjoy these places and I like to stay in them because i'm a giant ponce
And this is a song about that.
It's called Boutique Hotel.
That's why, you see, I'm going to spend the weekend in a boutique hotel.
Katy Perry stayed there once, Jake Gyllenhaal as well.
Each room's unique, with a curricular aesthetic.
Hotels where the rooms are all the same, I find pathetic.
They've got a bar where they serve extremely bouncy cocktails I'll have the broccoli one with vodka and the drool from a trap Now take a seat on some furniture they got from the junk shop And look at all the wonky pictures in the wonky lab
Boutique hotel, I'm under your spell I'm washing my socks in your eco-friendly shower gel I am residing in a boutique hotel Only £15 for this bag of special mats A hotel that is not boutique is my idea of hell
The normal hotels charge 15 pounds for normal nights.
But here they have a shop with expensive hipster gifts.
And they have DJs in the toilets and the lifts.
Do you take requests?
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Later tonight there's a private function in the guest room.
It's the launch of a book full of poetry made up by cooks Life is hard without chard Then I must pack my bags and travel back to Berlin For the launch of my book full of pictures from launches of books
So I must bid you farewell, my boutique hotel Your laundry's too expensive and I'm starting to smell
It's a little callback for you there.
I like it.
So it's quite long.
That's one of the longest Song Wars songs I've done.
It's like an actual song.
I know.
After sort of saying to you, oh, you know, you don't really want to.
30 seconds.
30 seconds is fine.
Don't go, certainly don't go over three minutes.
And that's just under the three minute mark.
Maybe some might think outstaying it's welcome.
But I was operating at 115 BPM there.
Normally I don't like to go below 120.
Wow, stepping outside your comfort zone.
Yeah, very much so, very much.
So it's a difficult, difficult week for me.
It's kind of Pet Shop Boys versus Craftwork.
Craftwork, Pet Shop Boys, sure, it's all in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So tell us about yours, Edith.
So mine is, well mine's quite personal because it's a bit of an insight into my childhood.
You grew up in a hotel?
I grew up in a hotel in a little village called Anstruther in Fife.
What kind of hotel was it?
Well, it was my granddad started it as a kind of B&B and then it sort of grew over the years.
Did they have DJs?
Occasionally, yeah, they used to have roadshows.
Did they?
Yeah, the local radio station would come and do roadshows when I was a kid.
All the creeps would turn up.
Yeah, with tight jeans and slip-on plimsolls.
They'd all get arrested.
And it wasn't always, you know, a pleasant experience being part of growing up in a hotel.
How many rooms are we talking?
Fifty.
That's quite big.
Started off at six and then over the years it grew in a 50 bedroom to tell yeah And left me with with a bit of a bad habit as well from from my time the tone will explain everything All right, and so my song is called fish and chips.
Here we go.
I
I was born in a cocktail bar or little hotel I guess that's why it turned out how I did But it wasn't just any random hotel It was known for the best fish and chips Oh, fish and chips, fish and chips That's why everything I eat is fried
I spent all my time making fish and chips Being healthy and it's gotten easy, I've tried From a very young age I was sent out to work From chambermaid to gardener and then cook Now I hear what you're saying, surely that's child labor I don't believe that they put us through the book
Oh fish and chips, fish and chips, that's why everything I eat is fried.
I spend all my time making fish and chips, being healthy and it's got getting easy, I've tried.
Cleaning up after folks was a bit of a shock.
The things they left behind, it made me sick.
Strap-ons and blow-ups, yep, that kind of thing.
Things that helped them get a hard time.
Oh, fish and chips.
Fish and chips.
That's why everything I eat is
I spend all my time making fish and chips.
Being healthy and it's gotten easy, I've tried.
One more time!
Fish and chips, fish and chips.
That's why everything I eat is fried.
I spend all my time making fish and chips.
Being healthy and it's gotten easy, I've tried.
You're writing lots of notes there, is that to give me a critique?
Edith Bowman, the song Fish and Chips that you have written for the Song Wars battle inaugural is very, very good.
And I feel threatened and angry about how good it is.
I was hoping and expecting it to be very poor, but it was really very, very good.
Excellent production, beautifully produced, lovely harmonies.
Was that you harmonizing there?
Yeah.
very very nice harmonies good lyrics lovely interesting insight into your uh young life chambermaid gardener and cook all true and interesting to know where your fish and chip fetish came from um fun little bit of sauciness there about the uh sex paraphernalia used to find in the rooms
It was just great.
It was brilliant, Louise.
I'm going to call you Louise from now on.
Louise, it was very, very good.
Thanks, Brian.
Tammy Wynette I had written down here.
I don't know if it actually does sound like Tammy Wynette, but it sounds like a classic country song and it's just great.
So well done to you and your very talented husband.
Yeah.
Well, I got really scared about it at the start of the week and it was just because I hadn't actually started it.
It's like, just start it and you'll be fine.
Looking at the blank page, the blank screen is very intimidating.
Did you go through any versions?
Did you start off with a different tack and end up there?
Yeah, I remember I was sitting watching TV on Monday night and I just started writing down a few notes of memories of things that I remembered from my time in the hotel.
And then the next day I was like, right, I sat with those notes and formed the lyrics.
I watched actually, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, that was the inspiration for the... It's like classic albums, isn't it?
yeah, of the song and then sung the melody to him indoors and he did the guitar for me.
A little bit of mandolin in the back.
It's brilliant.
Well, listeners, you have to decide, though, which one you would like to crown the King of Song Wars or the Queen of Song Wars next week when we unveil which was the winner.
You can do that throughout the week by email adamandedith at bbc.co.uk.
That is the best way to vote for Song Wars.
And what you can do to make life easier is just put as the title of the email, Song Wars, either Adam or Edith as the winner.
Not Louise.
No, not Louise.
That's a different competition.
And then we'll count up the votes and announce who's won next week.
We'll play those songs again though before the end of the show today.
Yeah, I think so.
You've got to get your money's worth.
I mean, that's a lot of work, right?
Yeah, I know, but to be fair, playing it once is fine by me.
I know, but, you know, people are going out Saturday, people are going out shopping.
We'll have a whole different audience by 12.30.
We'll see how it goes.
You've got a free play now then?
Yeah.
Here's my free play and this is by The Doe.
Do you know The Doe?
I don't know.
It's a duo.
I think he's a Parisian or maybe she's a Parisian.
I don't know.
It's a man and lady couple, both very, very glamorous and European.
Of course they are.
And sexy looking.
The Doe spelt D-O and the O with a stroke through it.
Accent.
I think that's called a minuscule.
Is it?
I thought it was an accent.
I don't know, people can correct me.
Not the dots above, not the umlaut, whatever.
Anyway, this is The Doe with a track called Gonna Be Sick, which I don't, you know, I'm not aware of too many other songs about vomiting.
But she makes it sound brilliant.
There's a very good video for this as well, incidentally.
I just love this song, Gonna Be Sick by The Doe.
pitbulls at night put up a fight skeleton bone tasting all right fingers are stuck caught in a plug thousands of volts stubborn
It's
raging sea
It's what we call the musical lollipop.
Craig Charles Funk and Soul Show.
We play exactly what it says on the tin.
Funk and Soul.
Remember that.
Tonight, 6 till 9 on BBC Radio.
Somebody to help them when they're low.
Somebody to help them when they're low.
Someone to please, someone to squeeze
When the sun goes down And nobody else is all around That's when I say I love you That's when I say I love you, baby That's when I say I love you, baby That's when I say I love you, darling Yes I do
With you by my side I'm not, no I'm not scared Cause everybody needs somebody to love Everybody needs somebody, everybody
Yes, I do
at say a group of yobs and they're singing a song called uh everybody needs somebody to love who wrote that song was it sam and dave sam and dave was it i think so solomon burke oh i don't know again someone can tell us um but the rolling stones did their version there of course and uh the blues brothers of course went on to do love that you know probably one of the best versions of it definitely they do a great version love that film one of my favorite films ever
We've got some messages here from people talking about our Song Wars efforts.
What kind of reactions are we getting Edith?
Matt Rowbottom in Peterborough says Adam your song sounds a little bit like I'll Be Back by Arnie and the Terminators famed by Steve Wright back in the early 90s.
Were you inspired by it?
No.
okay uh very much enjoying the boutique hotel song on Adam and Edith um only 15 pounds for this special bag of nuts yes this but this in these nuts are so special because look they are they come in a can and they have paprika and so i will pay 15 pounds because it's the middle of the night and i'm stupid i've done that many many times
Me too.
I must go to the launch of my book of pictures from launches of books.
Buxton's latest song this morning, very funny.
Thanks very much.
What kind of things are people saying about yours?
I haven't heard any.
Have you not?
No.
Well, I've seen a few votes coming in for yours.
I had to tell Ben, our assistant here, not to show us the votes because it plays with your mind.
Yeah.
You don't need to think about it.
They'll be angry.
They'll tabulate.
Listen, I mean, it's going to be, I hope it'll be close, but I think you may well romp home with a win.
this week.
It's certainly going to be close.
We also have some messages here about hamsters.
We were talking about locating hamsters.
This is like a proper radio show now, right?
Just important stuff coming in.
And I was talking about how do you locate a missing hamster.
I also constantly referred in a comedy way to David the Hammond hamster.
He's called Richard.
It's all David.
He's called Richard the Hammond.
No, he didn't.
I'm amazed.
I'm not sure if there's too many Top Gear fans tuning in, but I'm sure there are.
There's a couple of messages here though saying, you have to think like a hamster.
This is from Millenheimer of Hackney.
He says, if you were small furry and had cheeks full of grub, what would you do?
Where would you choose to reside?
My audacious hamster, Professor Bong, was trapped down to the insides of our sofa.
My dad channeled Prof Bong and got him the first time.
It blew our minds.
The inside of your sofa?
Yeah, that's grotesque, isn't it?
They're just such idiots.
You're just going to get sat on, you idiot.
What are you doing inside the sofa?
Get back on your wheel.
There's no food in there.
Actually, there probably is.
Small animals just going places they shouldn't really makes me furious.
Like, I've got birds up in my roof in the loft space, you know, where I work.
I hear them scritching and scratching around all day.
Get out!
Get out, you idiots.
What are you doing there?
It's no fun.
I went up there the other day because I heard them scratching away and I just thought, I'm going to catch them at it.
Then I'm going to pull them out and throw them out of the window where they belong.
And I would do it very gently if I found them, but I couldn't see them.
All I could see was just mountains of their pop that they had deposited all over.
It was awful.
I've got to call in some guys.
So Edith, I don't know if you know, but we've got a, we've got a thing that we do in this country called Christmas coming up.
I don't know if you do it in Scotland.
But here in the, in the, in England,
we do this thing we give each other gifts and we're kind to each other and we try and remember what it's like what we you know the best things about being a human being right and what that entails is stuffing ourselves full of pies and also buying bits of electronic equipment for each other okay have you bought me something no okay I'm you know I'm still working on my wife
She doesn't listen to this show because she's always busy doing important wife things at this time of day.
So I'm going to talk about the fact that I am having trouble finding a gift.
I mean it really is getting ludicrous the fact that I buy her the same thing every year and now I'm just like this middle-aged guy who's falling into all these cliches of
buying her all these predictable gifts.
Like?
Well, I just always, I mean, I think I buy her nice things.
One thing I do do, which is genuinely nice, I think, is make like a family album each year.
That's nice.
So that's, that's where most of my efforts go.
And that takes a while as well.
But then I feel as if I need to supplement that with an actual bought gift.
Yeah.
But what do you get?
I just don't know.
So I went online to try and find, I typed in good ideas for wife gifts.
Oh dear.
And I found a thread on a site, a gift site, lady site, I don't know what it was, which was, anyone have good ideas for my wife, brackets, not jewellery?
I thought, yes, perfect.
That's exactly what I'm looking for.
Sign me up.
What name could I use?
So here's a few of the things that people had written under there.
Combustible Kitty says, get her an iPod.
No, sorry, get on her iPod and see what she listens to the most and see if that band slash artist is on tour and get tickets.
That's great.
I mean that is thoughtful isn't it?
That's really good.
Have you done that?
No.
Okay.
Because otherwise we'll have to go and see Fleetwood Mac.
Well they're playing next year.
I'm sure.
They are, they're touring in June.
You know what, she'd probably love it but it's going to cost me about £150,000, isn't it, just to see these old guys up there pretending not to hate each other.
So I'm not sure about that, going to see rock behemoths, however good they are, and apparently they still sound good.
Here's one from Sashton who says, this sounds simple but it works every time.
What about a coupon?
Massage coupons are good.
They're called vouchers.
Were you born, are you like 90?
They're not called coupons.
I don't know whether Sashton comes from, maybe he comes from a place where they call them coupons.
Coupons free stuff.
Like when you go to Sainsbury's and you spend £800 and they give you 30p off your toilet roll.
It's like, you know, that's a coupon.
You want to give her a 30p over toilet roll, that's like rough.
Well, Sashton is talking about a coupon.
I mean, it's kind of a coupon that you can redeem though, isn't it?
He's talking about making these things and then giving it like, I owe you.
My dad does that sometimes.
Like when we were growing up, my dad used to give us like an envelope and inside would be this little scrap of paper and he'd written, I owe you driving lessons or whatever it happened to be.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Thanks very much, dad.
Cheers.
Anyway, so he says, yeah, what about a coupon?
Massage coupons are good or massage.
This coupon is good for a 30 minute massage of your choice.
This coupon is good for a 15 minute foot rub, etc.
Works good for both of you, says Ashton.
Oh, he's expecting you to do the massage then.
Well, I think he's thinking that, you know, massages do sometimes lead to a more exciting place.
But what about that, if you were presented with coupons?
Or vouchers?
Vouchers, yes, definitely.
Really?
Would you be happy with that?
Yeah, with a voucher for like, yeah, but to go out to one of those really nice spas where they play music that's like on your mixtape.
Yeah.
And so that you can kind of properly relax and, you know, not be at home and you not rubbing our feet properly.
Exactly, with a grin on my face, raising my eyebrows.
How's this feel?
This is good, isn't it?
Um, okay, and here's one more, uh, piece of advice from someone who's called Shirdloo.
Or something.
Shirdloo?
I don't know.
Shirdloo!
People have weird names online.
If your wife says she doesn't want anything, which my wife does, she says, don't get me anything, don't get me anything.
Get a very nice card, find someone who does calligraphy, and have them write up something like this.
Dear wife, I give you the gift of my time.
I will do the following and then you fill in items that she's wanted you to do and that you haven't got round to doing.
You can even just offer 40 hours or your choice amount and let her choose how to spend them.
Time is such a precious thing.
Give her your time as a gift.
Darling I've got you 45 minutes of my time which incidentally I mean if I was billing that for a corporate gig that would be a lot of cash money I've got you 45 minutes during which time I will do one of the following
put up those pictures that you've been asking me to put up for five years.
Take out the bins without complaining about it.
Do children's bath times all this week, but only for up to 45 minutes.
If they dawdle, then you'll have to take over.
How do you think that's going to go down?
Well, I'd imagine that the card would instantly be fed to David Hammond and she'd leave the room immediately.
That's the rubbish!
Okay, Christmas gift ideas, and here's some Christmassy music.
This has got to be one of the best Christmas songs.
It's also one of the longest, but we won't be playing at all.
All right, here we go.
It's The Waitress' Christmas Rapping.
But all this year's been a busy blur Don't think I have the energy
by myself this year.
Found a picture, frozen landscape, chilled this room for 24 days.
Evergreen, sparkling snow, get this winter over with, flashback to springtime.
Saw them again, would have been good to go for lunch.
Couldn't agree, we were both green.
We tried, we said we'd keep in touch.
Out to the beach, to his boat, could I join him?
No, this time it was me, sunburnt in the third degree.
Now the calendar's just one page, of course I am excited.
Tonight's the night I've set my mind, I've been doing too much of that.
Crashing through the stove, cause I bundled up too tight, last minute had to do with a few cards, a few calls because it's RSVP.
No thanks, no party lights, it's Christmas Eve, gotta relax, turn down all of my invites.
Last fall I had a night to myself, same guy called, Halloween party, waited all night for him to show, this time his
When it's cold it's getting late Try to time home and celebrate in a quiet way Unwind
We're the world's smallest turkey Already in the oven, nice and hot Oh damn, guess what I forgot So I'm with the boots back out in the snow To the only all-night grocery When what's my wondering eye Should appear in the line Is that guy I've been chasing all year?
Then this one alone, he said, He'd break this year's been crazy I said, me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?
Then suddenly we laughed and laughed Caught on to what was happening That Christmas magic brought this tale to a base
very good uh that's the waitresses with christmas wrapping was there anyone famous in the waitresses i don't know they're like from 1980s that's such a good song is i think i even bought one of the bangles or something's got to be in there surely something like that yeah i bought the waitress's greatest hits because you know on the on the strength of that track thinking i mean this is an amazing song they've got to be brilliant they kind of sound a bit like the b-52s or something yeah but uh no
Huge fail.
Well, I don't know, maybe I should persevere.
Maybe I should persevere, go back to the waitresses.
Hey, how you doing listeners?
This is Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman with you here on a Saturday morning.
It's 20 past 11 and the second hand, which is coloured red, is just coming up to the 12, which makes it 21 minutes past 11.
Little time check there for you.
And it's time now to launch this week's Memory Bank.
Time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank The memory bank, the memory bank, we're the nice bank, would you like to bank with us?
All of them are truthful, every now and then they're a little bit frank The memory bank, the memory bank, ooh, I'm sorry but you're very overdrawn Email us your stories, or text or tweet or send them round with Hank Send them with Hank, send them with Hank to the memory bank
So this week on the Memory Bank, we are talking about airline travel, planes, stories that have happened to you in airports, around planes, that kind of thing.
Yeah, interesting passengers you've been sat next to.
Do you like to fly, Edith?
I do.
I like to fly on my own.
Yeah.
I find it a bit of an adventure.
Sure.
It's always slightly stressful when, you know, when you're with the family and whatnot and stuff.
With what not, especially, he's awful.
What not, yeah.
We never know what he's going to get up to, what not.
But yeah, I do quite like flying.
I always like the kind of, you know, little drink before you get on, that kind of thing, which makes you either fall asleep or cry.
Yeah.
And yeah, what about you?
I used to love, I used to be very frightened of flying.
Really?
Yep.
For a long time, I just suddenly got terrified of it.
I think when I was in my teens, early twenties,
Well, you know, just felt very depressed whenever I had to fly and would get into a funk like a few days before... Don't use that word.
Sorry.
I actually don't like that word myself, but I think I used it properly there.
I got into a Craig Charles's funky bunker for a few... Stop using it!
days before flying because I'd be thinking, oh no, I don't like to fly.
I don't like, you know, I'm a sort of control freak, I suppose.
And I don't like being in situations where I don't know what's happening and I can't see the guy driving the plane and stuff like that.
I like it when they do the announcements and tell you exactly what's happening and stuff.
And all the noises, I don't like the noises.
And I always think that's not a normal noise.
Why is it doing that?
I don't remember it doing that every time.
And, you know, the bit where it takes off after after you've taken off and there's the initial roar of the engines, and then you sort of plateau a little bit, start to even out.
And then it seems as if just all the engines are switched off.
No, that's no good!
I want to hear noise!
I remember flying with Colin Murray quite a lot over a period of time and Colin every time we flew we'd do this thing when the stewardess would do the announcement and do the life vests and stuff and you have a light to attract attention and a little tube to blow up your thing and then a whistle and every time he would shout out, IN CASE YOU LAND IN A RAVE!
I'm surprised he didn't get at least thrown off the plane once.
I wonder if he still does that?
Probably.
Did he ever get a laugh from the stewardesses?
No, just scowls.
Scowls is what he deserved.
The other bad thing about flying, I mean there's many bad things about flying, it's not an ideal way to travel, it feels deeply unnatural in many ways, you know, you just think this is
How do they do it?
This is breaking all kinds of physical laws.
No, it's magical.
I don't know how they get this big metal tube up in the air.
But the other thing is that it shoves right in your face the kind of inequity of modern society, i.e.
you are forced to see at very close proximity how good
The privileged have it up there in first class and it is just you know Normally you're able to kind of you're not really aware of how the other half live, right?
They're in their special houses in their special.
So it's chauffeur driven cars or whatever.
They always turn left
Yeah, and you don't really get a glimpse of what it's actually like for them first hand.
But then suddenly when you're on a plane, you can see it.
You walk in and it's like they are deliberately taunting you with how amazing it is for them up there in first class.
They filter you past it and you see, whoa, they've got beds in there.
They've got cottages.
They've got individual cottages with waiters and girlfriends and boyfriends provided for them if they want.
everything out there.
Have you ever been first class?
Once I got upgraded.
I've never paid for it.
No, I've never paid for it either.
Actually, I paid for business class to Australia.
We went and did some bug shows out in Australia and ended up losing money because we went business.
So we made no money whatsoever.
But it was worth it because it is amazing.
And this is the thing is like when you're up and I went first class once to the US, we got upgraded on my honeymoon, me and my wife.
It was amazing.
Did you did you tell them in advance to try and get upgraded?
Yeah, I did everything I possibly could.
on Facebook.
Does anyone know anyone at Virgin?
Honestly, it was, Dr. Buckles was pulling strings from every direction.
I was asking anyone, you know, have you got, you know, I've been on a late night TV show on Channel 4.
There must be something you can do.
But it worked.
It was amazing.
And it was incredible.
And once you've tasted that life, it's very hard to go back to steerage, you know, and just be cattle crossing.
Yeah.
And just get your meal with everyone else.
Not when you want to order it.
And not be able to recline your seat completely.
Can I have the fillet steak rare please?
So it's, yeah, it's tough.
But you've got a story there, right?
I do.
I was lucky enough to chat to hugely talented director David O'Russell.
Yeah.
Fighter fame and most recently Silver Linings Playbook, which is a brilliant film.
And, well, is it Three Kings?
Three Kings is one of my favourite films, yeah.
Great film.
And so, you know, he's here, there and everywhere flying around.
So I asked him about flying.
So here's David O'Russell's tale of flying.
I went to my mom's funeral, God rest her soul, 12 years ago and with a dear friend who came with me, Ben Hernandez Bray, came with me as like a brother to my mom's funeral.
And then we were flying back and we were sitting on an airplane and this woman
And for some reason, sometimes someone just chooses you to talk to.
We were near the bathroom, and this older woman, she might have been in her 60s, she had had a few drinks, and she just decided she wanted to talk to these two nice young men.
And she just started leaning over us, talking, and she had all this cheese and food that was in her teeth from eating.
She'd been eating cheese and drinking wine, and it was very perilous looking up at her, because these hunks would fly out as she was talking.
And we were like, uh-huh, uh-huh, just trying to talk to her and trying to say, well, you know, we got to maybe wrap up this conversation.
You know, the kind of person who just won't stop.
You know, she just kept talking.
She was happy.
She'd had some drinks, and she wanted to talk.
And she was near the bathroom, and she had us prison her, you know?
And so she kept talking, and eventually, while she was talking, right when I was going to say to her, we really have to go from our chairs, and I could see it now in slow motion, like a scene from Anchorman, as my mouth goes, go.
That's a wide open mouth.
a chunk comes flying out of her mouth.
And in slow motion, I see it coming towards me.
I'm going, no.
And it went in my mouth.
All right.
And I was like, he was like, and I exploded out of my seat.
And my friend Ben is laughing hysterically.
And I just shoved her out of the way that I put that point.
I was done being polite.
I was like, and I,
went into the bathroom i jumped the line i was like flushing my mouth out with this 60 year old woman's hunk of cheese from her booze mouth here it comes no no right to my tongue 60 year old woman hunk of cheese from her booze mouth
That's a strong image.
David O. Russell that was, the film director.
Is he promoting a new film now?
He's got Silver Linings Playbook.
With Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence.
It's a really rough scene, it's great.
Very funny.
So we'd like to hear your stories about air travel, whatever they may be.
I mean, the other thing is the, you know, the first class situation now, they police it so strictly.
Yeah.
Because they know that there's always someone wanting to start their own little revolution, you know.
It's that thing, if there's a queue in kind of economy of 40 people waiting for the toilet and there's no queue in business or first for the toilet and you go, I'm just going to go and you try and get past the curtain.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
And it's a force field.
It's a recent thing as well, because in the olden days, I remember travelling with my dad in the 70s and stuff.
So you're on the plane, everyone's smoking away.
polishing their Kalashnikovs.
And if you want to use the lab, you just, if the economy one's full, yeah, just wander up to first class and use theirs, you know, have a, have a whiskey and soda and another ciggy and then come back.
But you can't do that now.
I mean, they stand there right by the curtain and there's no way you're getting past.
I mean, sometimes I just wait for the lights to go down and just make little ninja
You know, sorties up there to first class and try and get in there.
Slam the door.
Yes!
And it's exactly the same except it's got a rose in a cup.
That's exactly it.
Anyway, get your stories and then from memory back you can email us if they're long stories adamandedith at bbc.co.uk.
If they're short, sharp and sweet then you can text us 64046 or tweet us which is at bbc6music.
It's time to get your latest news right now with Harvey Kick.
This is BBC Radio 6 Music.
Backlash against radio station at centre of hospital hoax call.
UK alert on Syrian chemical weapons and police hurt in Belfast sectarian violence.
BBC News at 11.30.
I'm Harvey Cook.
The Australian media regulator says it's received a lot of complaints about the prank call made by two radio presenters to a hospital which treated the Duchess of Cambridge.
Jacinta Saldana, a nurse who picked up the call from the DJs from Two Day FM, was found dead yesterday.
Under Australian law, permission must be obtained before a hoax call is broadcast.
Sian Lloyd is outside the King Edward VII Hospital in central London.
Officers will be looking at Jacinta Saldana's life.
They'll be looking at what happened here at the hospital over the course of the past week.
Of course, looking very much at that prank call, which is at the centre of things.
And they will inevitably be looking at how she reacted to that and talking, no doubt, to staff and colleagues here.
Britain says there's evidence suggesting Syria may be preparing to use its chemical weapons against the rebels fighting President Assad.
The Foreign Secretary William Hague has repeated the warning given by President Obama that any such attack would be treated very seriously.
Eight police officers were injured in Belfast last night in further rioting by loyalists.
There were more protests against a decision by the council to limit the number of days that City Hall flies the Union flag.
Twelve people were arrested.
Our correspondent James Cook is following events in Belfast.
There's no doubt that loyalists are very angry about that issue.
I mean, I had a walk down the Shankill Road yesterday and spoke to quite a lot of people, many of whom said they just simply weren't prepared to be interviewed because they were too angry to even express their views coherently, they said.
So although, in fairness, most people then also condemned the violent.
A court will decide this morning whether a seven-year-old boy can undergo radiotherapy following surgery on a brain tumour.
Doctors say he needs the treatment to help ensure his survival, but his mother is concerned it may do him long-term harm.
The US Supreme Court has agreed to rule on the constitutionality of gay marriage early next year.
Gay marriage is legal in nine American states.
And England's cricketers will have to bat again in the third test in Calcutta after India avoided an innings defeat at Stumps on day four.
India had reached 239 for 9, a lead of 32.
have been closed down.
This place has caught me like a fish.
you
The government's leaving the youth on the shelf.
This place, it's called the Nakagawa.
Fetcher!
The special's Ghost Town.
I remember playing that in the car with my mum when I was a little lad, when that was in the charts.
And it was one of those good times when my mum liked it, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I always felt so excited when my mum liked the stuff that I was into.
She said, oh, yes, that's very good, isn't it?
And she liked Messaging a Bottle as well.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Oh, I love this one.
You should get her to, there's an amazing thing happening on Wednesday, Six Music Specials, they're doing a special Medieval session with Steve Lamarck, he's going to be coming live from Medieval this coming Wednesday with an audience of Six Music listeners.
Can we go?
quite like to go and watch that, it'd be great.
Yeah, I'm sure that'd be excellent.
Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman here on BBC Six Music and there's still people messaging about the hamster situation.
Someone who says here, inside the sofa is where ours went.
You know, there are many inside sofa areas that aren't sitting on areas, Adam.
Think about it.
And there's a little smiley emoticon, but that was very, I mean, I was upbraided by that message there.
I'm loving the show though.
I get a little kiss at the end there as well.
And here's one from, I'm not sure who, oh no, this is Alien Cowman.
This is from an alien cowman.
says dear A&E I was told this method by a pet shop owner once and it worked for me the way to recapture a missing hamster is to take a plastic bucket put some lettuce in it hamsters love lettuce and can't resist it he puts there in brackets place some cushions around it so that the hamster can climb up to the edge of the bucket leave it overnight and the hamster should be in the bucket when you get up in the morning they drop down to get the lettuce and can't climb back up again
Cheers alien cow man.
And actually there was a similar story sent in there by Amy from Liverpool.
Thank you.
She had a similar tip.
She says, yeah, I used to use library books, make a staircase up to the rim of the bucket, balance the book on the edge, leave a trail of food and plop, it would fall into the bottom of the bucket.
Unless it could fly.
And that's how you capture a hamster.
Flylilypad's got a presents tweet that she sent in.
My ex-fiancée bought me a hoover for Christmas.
Note the first three words of this tweet.
A hoover?
If it's a good hoover, I'd be happy with that.
Oh, come on!
Well, there's good and bad hoovers.
Really?
OK, Mrs Buxton, if you're listening, you know what he wants for Christmas.
He can then hoover the car!
She can say, this sucks!
And I say, well, exactly, darling.
Mwahahahaha!
Bye!
Now, listen, folks, there's a podcast available of this show, and it will be available later this evening, put together by Dina Jahina, our wonderful producer.
And on that podcast, there are all kinds of little nuggets that are exclusive to the podcast.
But one of them that popped up there, you know, there's a few little jingles and things that I create for that.
One of them that popped up, I had a few messages about this week from people asking if I could play it.
And so this is about cats.
I don't own a cat, but I imagine that this is what it would be like to own a cat.
I've got a cat who's a naughty little cat.
Look at the cheeky naughty little cat.
Don't go anywhere near my computer.
Can you guess?
Yes, that's where the naughty cat sat when I found him.
On the keyboard he was writing erotic fiction.
Have you beat up the keys?
Cause he's a naughty little cat.
Naughty naughty little cat.
Yeah, cheek cats.
That's a bit strong.
You can't say that in the UK.
You will get massive cat grief now.
I've got friends who've got cats.
That's page one of the DJ book.
Welcome to the world of disjockeying.
Now, the first thing you have to remember is not to antagonise cat lovers.
They are a giant and efficient, easily mobilised force of frightening power if antagonised.
So never say anything negative about cats on the radio.
It's because I'm allergic, but I have friends who have cats.
They hate them.
Do they?
Yeah.
I think you have to own a cat to say you hate it.
You know what I mean?
It's like if you don't read a book by it's cover type thing.
Yeah, read a book by it's cover.
Don't judge a book by it's cover.
Yeah, just don't read books.
Avoid books.
That's the message.
So anyway, tune in to the podcast is the upshot and that'll be available as I said later today, but right now it's your favorite band.
Still I never wanted to go I would hold it up to my cold heart Feel the way it used to start up Take me back, take, take, take me back To the way that I was before Hungry for what was to come Now I'm longing for the one
You say, you say you will save me You say, you say you will save me You say, you say you will, oh-oh, take me back
All my life I wasn't tryin' to get on a highway I was wonderin' which way to go Spendin' all of my damn time Leavin' all the way to behind, yeah Take me back, take me back to the song how it used to go Screamin' for what was to come Now I'm dreamin' bout the way I was
We'll say you will save me You say you will, say you will, uh-oh
Save me
I'm on six music.
Don't save me and they were in with Lauren actually And as well as doing a brilliant session, I mean that does Don't take this wrong, right?
But that does sound like some ladies with very large hair from 1985.
They do have great here actually Yeah, they've got great great great here.
Good.
Okay, good.
You didn't take it
They also recorded a free MP3, which is why it's called an MP3, because it's free.
They did the Hanukkah song from the Adam Sander in 8 Crazy Nights.
So you can check that out, I think, on the website.
Is that right?
No.
It's Wednesday with Lauren.
You can get that.
So, yeah, they're brilliant.
They're so good.
And they do have fabulous hair for ladies.
Giant hair.
Giant hair.
Now, obviously, there are some really nice cats out there.
She's now quaking in anticipation of... Like a cat, like Puss in Boots and Drek.
Cats out the bag though.
They are great.
They're great.
They're fantastic.
My sister's just got a cat that she's very much in love with.
Hello, ghost.
How are you?
While I remember as well, I've got to say hello to a little chap.
It's not I don't usually do shout outs, but I did say that I would do this one for a little guy called Josh.
He's nine.
I don't know if he's little in stature, but hey, Josh, how's it going?
He lives in Ireland.
and i did say that i would give him a shout out in the first half hour of the show and forgot so i don't know if he's going to be listening but maybe we could include this in the podcast dina even though it's totally hi josh hey josh how's it going guys hey buddy don't go into the toilet there's a guy hanging there with a face that joe corners you don't want to see that come on buddy and i'd come away from there all right um and so listen we're in the middle of memory bank let's have a little quick memory bank jingle
Time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank The memory bank, the memory bank Ooh, I'm sorry about your very overdrawn
And the topic for Memory Bank this week is air travel and its various forms.
Do you have a story for us there, Eden?
I do.
This is from Alessandra.
She says, greetings Buxtron and Buxtbo.
When returning from a holiday in Greece, my parents and I had a pretty memorable experience at airport security.
The departure lounge at this airport was tiny and stuffy and due to delays, we'd been waiting for hours.
We started queuing for about another hour as we tried to make our way to the hand luggage check-in.
Tired and befuddled, at this point we put our bags on the machine and proceeded to the beepy thing.
My mum walks through.
Fine.
I walk through.
Fine.
My dad approaches and is stopped by the outstretched hand of a security guard.
The guard points his baton at my dad's crotch and says something in a heavy Greek accent, something like,
Dad looks at him slightly confused.
The guard repeats, BUMBAG IN THE MACHINE!
Doesn't stop doing so, getting progressively louder and even less intelligible.
BUMBAG IN THE MACHINE!
He's still wagging his baton at my dad's trouser department, while other guards have stepped in either side of my dad and grabbed his arms.
Suddenly, my mum understands.
BUMBAG IN THE MACHINE!
My dad wearing his god-awful bumbag the entire holiday to outsmart...
pickpockets and in all the airport tedium had forgotten about it he made it through security and we are stuck with him today.
It's very I mean that's it that's a wonderful story thanks who's who was that from?
Alessandra.
And it also contained the phrase waggling his bat on it his uh groin which is always a good phrase.
Dad's trouser department.
It's it's nerve-wracking walking through the security these days I mean especially now nowadays that um everyone's slightly lost perspective in airports
That's just my personal opinion.
Not that of the British castle, but you know what?
I mean, you just think here we shoes on or off.
What's going on?
They've won the terrorists have won Okay, because now now look at the queue for goodness sake they've won So you thank you for an hour or whatever and you always forget as well or at least I always do because I'm not a frequent flyer so you get to the airport and then you know, you check in or whatever and then you think oh
Oh, I forgot about security!
So you're there for the next hour.
And I don't want to generalise, but a lot of the time, the guys, they get up there with the x-ray machine.
They're not fun guys.
They're grumpy.
Fair enough, I suppose.
That's not a rewarding job, you would imagine.
But boy, they're low on interpersonal charm sometimes.
Yeah, when you get searched as well, that's not a pleasant experience.
here's a story though that I found online this is a story that was written up by a journalist called Nick Carbone from February of this year talking about emergency exit doors and he says sitting next to a screaming child on an airplane can make someone want to jump out of the window at the best of times one man aboard a Vietnam Airlines plane
uh recently attempted to take that adage literally luckily for all on board the plane had already landed but that didn't stop 29 year old li van tuan from opening the plane's window exit and releasing the emergency slide
But it wasn't Van Thuan who wanted to escape, according to Associated Press.
The mother and her screaming child he was sat next to were looking to disembark the plane as quickly as possible after landing at Ho Chi Minh City Airport.
Turning to Thuan in the seat next door for help,
He opened the door for the mother, according to the airport staff members.
Neither Tuan or the mother ended up using the slide, and the incident led only to greater annoyance for all on board.
The plane was disabled after the slide was opened, leading the airline to seek out another jet for the return journey.
Vietnam's Thuoi Tre News reports that Tuan faces a fine of at least 15 million Vietnamese dong.
That seems like a massive amount of dong, doesn't it?
But it's actually more like £500.
Still, a lot of money for simply opening the door.
But the slide release, though it went unused, will prove even more costly.
Much like an airbag, the slide must be refitted inside the plane at a cost of £6,000 to the airline each time.
As uncommon as the situation seems, Vietnam Airlines is no stranger to erroneously opened exit doors.
It's the third time in six months that a Vietnamese flyer has opened one.
In November of last year, a 22-year-old college student who claimed he had never been on a plane before accidentally opened the door, thinking it would release the window shade.
And in July a man opened the exit door and when asked why he did so he said it was out of sheer curiosity They were both fined 15 million Vietnamese dong a huge amount of dong, but you deserve it because What are you doing?
Like do you ever but but do you ever get tempted just to go up and pull on the big handle?
Yeah, I don't trains as well.
Ah, but especially in what they do in the air
I was quite wanting to have a go on one of the emergency slides without my shoes on just to see what it's like.
Yeah, because in theory, I don't know, presumably there are fail safes to stop it being opened in midair, aren't there?
I've no idea.
But it just seems like you could probably go up and disable them fairly easily and just open it.
yeah let's not try that on the next flight you're on we'll have some more of your stories for memory bank uh coming up in the show but uh right now we've got the strokes is that right i love this one this is a really this is a really a very very good song a very good song well done by the band the strokes well done i don't know what they're doing now i don't think they ever did anything else after this but well done brilliant song
The expression or application of human creative skill and imagination.
This is art.
Or it could be music.
This Sunday, 6Music brings two worlds living side by side, closer together.
I'm Grayson Perry, artist, that bloke who wears the frock and makes pots, playing you some of my favourite tracks.
We delve into the mind of the artist and Turner Prize winner Grayson Perry and discover the music that inspires him.
There's something sugary at the same time, quite dark.
about this track.
Life is first boredom, then fear.
Grayson Perry's 6 Music playlist.
Absolutely exquisite.
Tomorrow at midday on BBC Radio 6 Music.
Someday, someday, yeah It hurts to say, but I want you to stay Sometimes, sometimes, when we were young
Sometimes, sometimes All my answers are like any tale I will do my best You say you want to stay by my side Darling, your head's not right I still always die and together we fall
Sometimes, oh, some days No, I ain't wasting no more time Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sometimes, all my answers are lacking in depth.
You say I will try my best.
You say you want to stand by my side.
Darling, your head's not right.
I see it all, we stand together, we fall apart.
It was a chance
Excellent stuff.
The Strokes here on BBC Six Music.
You're listening to Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman and we're in the midst of a feature that we call Memory Bank.
Robin's tweet to say, the doors are armed, by the way, and impossible to open mid-flight to stop the crazies going crazy.
Oh, no.
Here's a story from anonymous.
Someone anonymous has texted in.
On a flight to Bali, my wife challenged the convention of wearing comfy clothes.
and chose to wear a pair of skinny jeans.
After about 40 minutes, I was awoken by my wife screaming as her legs had expanded due to the altitude, and now the skinny jeans were considerably tighter and skinnier feeling.
Such was the pain that she was enduring, she had to take them off.
I helped her to do so in the toilet.
And then she sat in her knickers, wrapped in the free rug you get for the rest of the 14 hour flight.
She's an idiot hole.
That is pretty basic though, come on, have you not heard of deep vein thrombosis?
Don't go on with your skinny jeans, you raving lunatic.
This is from Dave, he says, hi Bucksbow, wanted to share a troubling tale with you that occurred when I travelled to Florida about eight years ago.
I went to the toilet as you do before the flight at the airport and I noticed a man dressed in a pilot's uniform, very possibly a pilot.
It was unnerving that he was in fact crying his eyes out, which made me very nervous about the flight indeed.
Thank you for bringing such a lot of happiness to people's lives.
That's it.
but i love that story crying pilot that's no good at all i mean you shouldn't be allowed to fly a plane and cry crying don't cry do your crying in the cockpit we're not allowed anymore get the air yeah in the olden days as well cockpit was shit anyone got
want to go yeah come on have a ciggy go and join us in the cockpit for ciggy there you go son how old are you nine oh have you ever been in a cockpit have a ciggy look at that yeah play on the control have another ciggy that one's run down there you go son look at that press the button yeah it doesn't matter it's all right we'll regain the altitude later have another ciggy now come back what's that a gun oh it's a nice gun isn't it don't flash it around people
That's what it was like in 1970 when I used to go on planes.
It was much better, better.
Happy days.
Here's a story now from Lee.
He's typing with a broken arm.
Oh, wow, Lee.
From Slough.
So this, I imagine, took a very long time.
Dear A&E, I was once travelling back from a trip to Seattle, crammed in economy class, which wasn't pleasant with it being a ten-hour flight and me being six foot four inches tall.
Before take-off, an older gentleman at the front of our section appeared to have had a funny turn,
and slumped limply in his chair.
The paramedics arrived, and eventually they decided that even though he had come round and was feeling better, he wasn't well enough to fly on such a long journey.
After letting him and his family off the plane, I noticed the ample legroom his vacant seat at the front afforded, and decided that I had to have it.
having been sat on that plane for over an hour while the drama unfolded, and I was already quite uncomfortable.
I could see one of the stewardesses approaching down the aisle.
Anne was just preparing to grab her attention and asked to move to the vacant seat, when a guy three rows in front of me put up his hand and asked the same thing.
I was furious when she said yes, not only because I wanted the legroom myself, but because the guy was significantly shorter than me, and he didn't need it nearly as much.
He moved to the vacant seat while I glared deep into the back of his head.
However, a few moments later, he stood up, turned round, and probably through shock, announced to no one in particular, I think the old man wet himself.
Felt like sweet, sweet justice as he waddled uncomfortably back to his original seat.
And all I could hear in my head was Dr. Buckles shouting, in your face, seat thief.
Love you, bye!
Lee of Broken Arm.
Thanks very much, Lee.
Brilliant.
Nicholas has got a short one.
Annoying man next to me jabbers on and on, ignoring all the usual clues that I am not interested in talking to you.
Book, headphones, closed eyes.
Meal was served and I noticed the man of foreign origin is obviously not, is slightly perplexed and not obvious of the Babybel cheese other brands are available.
I debate whether to tell him how to eat it, but decide to let him figure out himself.
Enjoy every second of him chewing his way through the entire piece of cheese, red wax, and all.
He was quiet for the rest of the way.
Love you, bye!
Aww, poor baby bell man.
I mean, maybe some people like it though with the waxy outer coating.
You know, the way that some people show off about eating oranges with the peel on?
I used to know a guy like that.
Hey, Nick Cheek, how you doing, man?
Is that his actual real name?
Nick Cheek?
Cheeky boy.
Cheeky boy used to eat the orange with the peel on and make a big song and dance about it.
Look at me eating the orange.
I love the peel.
It tastes great.
No it doesn't.
And he'd be wincing and stuff.
Stop doing that, Cheek.
Just peel it.
Keep your stories coming in from memory back.
I'm going to play you something new from a band called Balthazar.
This is called The Oldest of Sisters.
Absolutely loveless.
I'm not sure is it how you would say yes Your room's still open but I didn't reach for steps Cause when I went nearby to see what I missed There was your doorman challenging me to confess, friend Nevermind My old, old friend, breathe fine My old, old friend, well-timed
My old, old friend of mine Well, I got someone behind
She gave me shelter saying fool you must now learn What you've kept close will be left here to burn The oldest of sisters she was the greatest one to earn So I wrote her this letter in advance of my return Friend of mine, my old friend refined
Friend of mine Well, I got someone behind Yes, I got someone behind Friend of mine My old, old friend refined
Well done
Balthasar, the oldest of sisters.
They're Belgian.
If you like that, they've got an album out now.
It's called Rats.
Here's some David Bowie.
In a horror of brooms she was dying, you can't hide me When I looked in her eyes they were blue but nobody hung Well, she could have been a killer if she didn't walk the way she do, and she do She opens strange doors that we'd never close again
Ganon's a wild, jealousy scream Waiting at the lights, no one on me Scary monsters Sober creeps Keep me running Running scared Scary monsters
Running scared She asked me to stay and I stole her room
She asked for my love and I gave her a dangerous mind Now she's stooping in the street and she can't socialize Well, I love the little girl and I love her till the day she dies She wails, humans' guitar sound, jealousest scream Waiting at the lights, no one on me
My name's...
There you go, I think that's the sound of Robert Fripp going nuts there with his guitar.
And David Bowie, Scary Monsters.
He sounds so different in that show.
Well, he's doing his silly comedy Cockney accent there, isn't he?
It's not my favourite track from Scary Monsters, I have to say.
Very good, obviously, enjoy it, I love it.
That was selected by Powergold.
It's Powergold here, yeah, on the computer that selects the music for the shows.
I know you like Bowie, so I'll put a Bowie song on there for you.
It's the worst song off the album.
I thought you'd enjoy it.
We must try harder next time, Paragold.
Hey, how you doing listeners?
Adam and Edith here.
You know what?
We've got made-up jokes coming up.
Yes, a ridiculous response from people after you talked about it last week.
Yeah.
As I said, you know, Cornballs used to empty regular buckets of scorn on the made-up jokes section, but I always enjoyed it.
I mean, the thing was that people were tickled as well by the children's jokes, which were, they were half made up and half just sort of mangled.
Jokes, you know, I mean just thoughts.
Yeah, and they came from this website at least the ones I found came from this website on tumblr Bad kids jokes.
It's called all one word so you can find it for yourselves, but I'll be reading out a few more of my favorite ones
After Paul Weller and I've have a message here as well from someone again on the hamster tip, which is People yeah, this is from Jim and Charlotte our hammy short hamster hammy Schwarzman Escaped jumped down around four foot from the cupboard.
His cage was on and we found him in the oven and
Luckily we didn't turn the oven on.
Love the show.
What's he doing in the oven?
How do you get in there as well?
Presumably the door was closed.
I mean that asks that begs more questions It's another one of those domestic things of leaving the dishwasher doors in the oven, right?
One of those things yeah, Kellyanne Sheffield says FYI For your information a girl at my school used to eat opal fruits.
Yeah with the wrappers on she said she couldn't be bothered to unwrap them just melts in your mouth
That's not fact.
It's not sugar paper.
They're not wrapped in sugar paper.
Although that's a good idea.
In plastic.
Yeah.
They're wrapped in waxy plastic even.
Ah, it's just wrong, wrong.
Made to make your mouth water.
Give them a lift with cocaine.
Made up jokes coming up next after Paul Weller.
And I have found us with no intent of bound She's like a horse with no rider All the space without the chase or chasing She's like a sea with no waves All the drift upon a ship
that's inside of you.
Send your shadows under the trees.
Bow to the wind whose voice you speak.
She's in a world with no people All is scoped without the whole horizon She's like a dragonfly with no fire Diaphanous with no intent of flight
Paul Weller is going to be with Sean on Monday.
Lucky Sean.
Good album that actually.
It is good isn't it yeah.
Lucky Sean to have the angry mod eyes of Paul Weller boring into his face.
Is he angry?
He's furious.
Really what about?
Hamsters?
Just everything.
I mean I met him once and he didn't like me so mainly me.
He's just angry at you.
Imagine if I turned up at Sean Keaveney's place and said hey I just thought I'd say hi again.
Still, guess who's probably going to see Paul Weller's Netherlands?
All right.
Good to see you.
I love your stuff.
Brilliant album.
Oh, wow.
Look at you.
That's impressive.
OK, bye.
Just speculating.
So listen, it's time for made up jokes.
Have you got the jingle there?
Fire it off.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes.
My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.
When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree.
Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.
Twitter is a good conveyance medium for these made-up jokes.
Yeah I don't think I'm allowed to give out my Twitter details because it's not a sort of officially BBC endorsed one But you know, you can probably find me.
Yeah, your name's Adam Buxton, isn't it?
Yeah, I think it is.
Yeah So, you know, you can always let me know your jokes there But if you would like to send them through official channels Adam and Edith at BBC co.uk or you can text them I
would say email is best especially if you're doing it throughout the week yeah for these made-up jokes yes now if you want BBC six music yeah yeah or text on that or any other subjects 64046 here's one just to get things going from Johnny Kate's Johnny Kate's I think not Johnny cakes that's better yeah Johnny Kate's he says why did the bank manager go on holiday to the Costa del Sol he did
I don't know.
Why did the bank manager?
Because you can get a Santander.
A Santander.
Santander.
Like the bank.
Santander.
Is what it sounds like.
Santander.
You can get a Santander.
Back to the drawing board, I'd say.
What?
Cake man.
Very rude.
Will Johnson says my made-up joke.
Two Irish men called Patrick are discussing new Apple products.
Patrick A. Have you heard of the... I'm not going to do an Irish accent.
Have you heard of the new Apple tablet that always, always agrees with us Irish?
Patrick B. iPad-y.
Nice.
That's good.
Is that racist?
Come on, even referring to the Irish is racist.
I think And here's another one from Finn Finley Marx again via Twitter.
He says who's a question who said I pity I pity the flu BA Barocas I pity the flu I pity the flu BA Barocas tickets you sometimes take Barocas if you've got the flu to boost your immune system Although that's not proven to be effective
I quite like that one!
I pity the flu!
That's better.
I didn't throw myself into it.
That's good, man.
Thanks, Friendly Marks.
Hey!
Daniel says, dear Buckles Edith- Edithaling?
Buckles Edithaling?
Yeah, I'm a 32, a he-male from London.
I would like to submit the following made-up joke.
What do you call a trucker with a profitable sideline in after-dinner speaking?
I don't know.
An articulate lorry driver?
An articulate lorry.
I think he'd be happy with it.
I want to approach from a long way away as well.
You can hear the pre-blast.
Right, should we get into these children's jokes?
Shall we?
Come on, let's do it.
I got my small child to do some.
Yeah, this is Rudy, right?
How old is Rudy?
Four and a half.
Four and a half.
And he really likes trying to make people laugh and hasn't quite grasped the idea of punchlines.
Sometimes he has he remembers a few jokes that he's been told or read in comics.
Punchlines are yesterday guy.
Yeah.
Well, here's one.
Here's the first one.
So, uh, this is a joke number one.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla chicken egg sandwich, please.
Can, can, can I hear it?
that's what they always want to hear it back don't they that was brilliant can I just play that can I just play that back so gorilla it's supposed to be a gorilla cheese sandwich yes but he he's a big fan of chicken legs in a minute very good has he got another one yeah who's there moss man that is excellent that's a classic joke
Yeah.
Last one.
Knock.
Who's there?
Mum.
Thinking about it.
Mum who?
Mum doctor.
A lady doctor.
That in itself is amusing.
A lady doctor.
Good effort, Rudy.
That's excellent, Matt.
Moss man is my favourite.
A man entirely made of moss.
A moss man.
Hey, a moss.
The moss man from the IT crowd.
Well here is just to get things going with the other children's jokes from bad kids jokes on tumblr Here is one of my favorites again a knock-knock joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wooden.
Wooden who?
Wooden poo Okay, this is a good segue from Rudy's jokes Question what is a Jedi's favorite food?
I don't know, what's a Jedi's favorite food?
Lightsaber casserole
Alright?
I mean, that is brilliantly constructed.
Here's a little play, a little story.
This boy went to school.
His teacher asked him, what's your name?
The boy said, I don't know.
So that day he went to his mother and said, what's my name?
So she said, can't you see I'm tidying up?
I think those are my favorites, the plays.
Because I think they're supposed to be like those jokes where, you know, you, you know, you sort of said one thing and then you accumulate a load of little phrases and the child repeats them back inappropriately at the end of the day.
Can't you see I'm tidying up?
It's so sort of sad at the same time.
We'll keep them coming in if you've got any, please.
I'm going to give you one more for the moment and then I'm going to and then I've got another little raft of them that we can float in the last half hour.
But to conclude this section of made up jokes, what's the difference between a chicken and a hippo?
I don't know what's the difference between a chicken and a hippo.
because a ch... and this is how it's written... because a hippo doesn't lay fat chubby eggs.
Okay, more of those in the final half hour of the programme here on BBC6 Music.
Got some music from Peace, who did a cover of Mariah Carey, which is done in the style of Radiohead, Creep, You're Gonna Like This.
Great band from Birmingham, so yeah, here we go.
This is Peace and All I Want For Christmas, slash Creep.
I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
There's just one thing I need And I don't care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree I don't need to hang my stocking There upon the fireplace Some clothes won't make me
Ask for much this Christmas I don't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting Underneath the mistletoe I won't make a list and send it To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I don't want a lot for Christmas This is all I'm asking for I just want to see my baby Standing right outside my door Cause I just want you for my own
Make my wish come true, give it all I want for Christmas Eve
This is BBC Radio 6 Music.
6 Music has always been a great place where you can hear a lot of different music up against each other.
The odd little songs that you've never heard before.
It gives young and up-and-coming artists a real platform.
It's new by JJ Doom, that's on Lex Records.
6 Music has always been very supportive to the Maccabees.
I think Steve and Matt gave us our first ever radio play.
It's what we do.
A music-loving radio station.
It's public service broadcasting at its best.
You get such a range of sessions, of interviews.
What is it that keeps you working?
We don't work music, we play music.
By turn.
Six Music is entertaining, touching and hilarious.
A new phone, everyone!
This will save the economies of the West!
What about global environmental catastrophe?
Shut up!
Just buy it!
This is Six Music with me, Lauren Laverne.
I'm Steve Lamacq.
Radcliffe and Maconi.
High octane, double act interplay.
Mark Reilly on Six Music.
I'm Chris Hawkins.
The Sean Keaveney Breakfast Show.
Tom Ravenscroft.
You're with me, Gideon Kerr.
This is BBC Radio.
You'll be sick.
Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Swim and Sleep.
I like that.
Album for release in early 2013 apparently.
Recently been touring with Grizzly Bear.
Great, you can use your coupons to buy that.
Use my coupons.
If you get some for Christmas.
That is right up my strasa.
Great.
Enjoyed that very much indeed.
And folks I want to as well encourage you to communicate with us during the week as well if you have any bad accent Footage that you might like to share with us.
You know, I love I love a bad accent on on TV or film.
Yeah and
And something that Joe and I used to do quite a lot every now and again is drag out a bit of bad accent footage.
And I found some good stuff the other day that I want to share with you.
I could do a whole special on this one lady from Boardwalk Empire.
If you're a regular Boardwalk Empire fan, you might know which one I mean, but I'm going to unveil that next weekend.
Great.
But it would be nice as well if there were any other clips that you can you think of anyway?
The obvious one for me is Keanu Reeves and Dracula.
right.
Yeah, pretty obvious.
One of my favourites is Brad Pitt in seven years in Tibet.
Yeah.
Jim McGregor's got quite a few handsome suit.
It's such nice to eat.
It's not that good even exact.
So I don't think Yeah, oh, there's there's loads.
There's got to be loads there.
uh and what's he called uh ray ray winston is always good for one yes uh what was the departed he was in the departed jack nicholson he also does a good pirate voice in this weird film that joe really liked that he saw on a plane that's all sort of set in the tropics or something
Anyway, so if you do have any good, bad accents to share with us, then send them along, tweet them or email them to us, adamandedithatpbc.co.uk.
And we still have a half an hour to go, during which time we will be sharing some more made up jokes with you and a few more stories from our memory bank, which is about air travel this week.
We'll be replaying our song wars and also we have a gift for you in the shape of a Adam and Edith Christmas card which we'll tell you about after we get some news from Harvey Cook.
This is BBC Radio 6 Music.
Public backlash at radio station over hoax call.
Judge postpones cancer boy treatment decision and protesters target Starbucks.
The Australian media regulator has been inundated with complaints about the prank phone call made to the hospital where the Duchess of Cambridge was being treated for acute morning sickness.
The nurse who took the call was found dead yesterday.
The DJs behind the hoax have been suspended.
Matthew Ricketson, who's a journalism professor at the University of Canberra, says the Australian regulations surrounding what the DJs did are unclear.
There's no rule saying you cannot make a prank call and one of the difficulties is that
these two radio hosts wouldn't necessarily see themselves as being engaged in news and current affairs.
And so the relevant codes for the broadcasters are really more about the doing of news and current affairs.
So it's a difficulty, it's a grey area.
A judge has postponed a decision on whether a mother should be allowed to prevent her son being given radiotherapy for brain cancer.
Sally Roberts was worried that seven-year-old Neil might be harmed.
Police in Northern Ireland are appealing for calm after more violent protests last night against the decision to stop flying the Union flag every day at Belfast City Hall.
They say loyalist paramilitaries are orchestrating some of the trouble.
Britain's issued another warning to Syria not to deploy chemical weapons against the rebels fighting to force President Assad from power.
President Obama has already told Syria there would be serious consequences if they were to be used.
Here, campaigners are holding protests at Starbucks cafes, even though the companies offer to pay a million pounds incorporation tax.
UK Uncut says the offer is a desperate attempt by the coffee chain to deflect public pressure.
Brands expert Guy Corbett thinks Starbucks could have done more to end the row.
They've so far operated in half measures, I think.
Their statement yesterday wasn't an apology.
And I think sometimes saying sorry can be the hardest thing to say.
I think the amount of money that they're paying seems to be... I think we all wish we could decide how much tax we're going to pay.
It seems quite arbitrary.
So I think they need to better explain how it is that they got to that number.
And England's cricketers will have to bat again.
The third test in Calcutta after India avoided an innings defeat at Stumps on day four.
India had reached 239 for 9.
That's a lead of 32.
That's the BBC News.
There's more at 1.30.
If I don't get your calls and everything goes wrong I want to tell you something you've done all along
Blondie with hanging on the telephone Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman here on BBC six music this Saturday afternoon it is now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sure is coming up at one o'clock but we've still got a few more minutes with you here and we are gonna wrap up memory bank
time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank the memory bank the memory bank oh i'm sorry about your belly overdrawn here's a story uh from paul in cambridge and uh was this sort of vignette really he says one um i spent four hours on tarmac at sea-tac airport where's sea-tac airport
Oh, this is all kind of written in text code.
Spent four hours on tarmac at Sea-Tac airport as plane was slightly broken and spare part couldn't be found.
Even though Boeing factory is next door.
Even though Boeing factory is next door.
Plane was slightly broken.
Was past midnight when they gave up and let us off the plane.
It took a very long time to get the whole 747 back through immigration.
The passengers that is, not the actual plane.
when there was only one booth open eventually my usually timid dad defied the tensor barriers that's what they're actually called apparently the poles with uh retractable strings on with a cry of the triumph of lemmings over bureaucracy
That's from Paul in Cambridge.
I don't know why I chose to read that out.
It's a good message, Paul.
I'm not putting it down.
I'm just saying that I didn't do it.
I did it a disservice by not reading it properly.
But I salute your dad for shouting in those kinds of situations something like that.
The triumph of lemmings of a democracy!
Sir, could you come this way please?
What?
You're just going to have to sit in this boring room now for four hours while we ask you pointless questions.
You won't be arriving at your destination.
Stuart Liphook has sent this in, a long time listener.
He says, well obviously not to this show but obviously your show previous, my father-in-law used to be a pilot for a few major airlines and often regales us with tales from his flying days.
One story he told me about a colleague of his stands out as it's almost unbelievable.
You be the judge.
One day whilst on a long-haul flight London to Hong Kong, if I recall correctly, the door of the cockpit opened and the pilot started walking out backwards, very carefully unravelling two bits of string that were clearly fastened to something in the cockpit.
What?
Keeping the string taut, he cautiously approached the first passenger.
gave them the bits of string and the pilot then said, I'm just popping to the loo, so if you could just hold these tightly, that'd be great.
Just keep them taut and steady until I get back.
Won't be long.
With that, he walked down the aisle to the lavvy.
When he was finished, he collected the two bits of string from the apparently terrified passenger who was still holding them tightly and carefully walked back into the cockpit, being sure to always keep the string tight and taut.
Upon landing, the passenger complained and needless to say, the pilot got the old heave-ho.
If true, this pilot's loss was comedy's gain.
Stuart Liphook.
Wow, well, I hope that's true me too.
It's a great story I mean it would be sad if that was apocryphal mind you that is quite a stupid pilot, isn't it?
But you see back in the 70s that was absolutely Could you hold on to these please
Down in a little miniature of brandy.
That's not a problem.
Hey, thank you so much for all your stories, very much appreciated all those throughout the week and this weekend.
We will probably, we'll do our best to announce the subject for next week's Memory Bank on the podcast.
Indeed.
Which you can download later tonight, but right now we've got Temples for you.
And Shelter Song.
Drink I
We stayed up late in a dream We read a play with no theme
I read a poem aloud I wrote a song for me Now I know the lonely days are gone
very much loving temples and shout a song that's the debut single from them they're from the midland oh hey yes it's very retro sounding in a good way though i like it it's very good uh so yes we had song wars if you weren't listening earlier today listeners we unveiled our song wars efforts myself and edith in full they were songs about hotels and we're going to play you a short selection of both of those songs now just to remind you uh last time we started with mine so this time we're going to start with edith
And this is Edith's song called Fish and Chips.
I was born in a cocktail bar with a little hotel.
I guess that's why I turned out how I did.
But it wasn't just any random hotel.
It was known for the best fish chips.
Oh, fish and chips, fish and chips That's why everything I eat is fried
I spent all my time making fish and chips Being healthy and it's gotten easy, I've tried I'm travelling trans-Europe to London this weekend
I have a gallery opening, I'm expected to attend I will not stay with friends, I need my private space But a normal hotel is just too boring a place I don't want somewhere swanky, just wanky's good for me Somewhere that's idiot, syncretic, that's why you see I'm going to spend a weekend
Katy Perry stayed out once, Jake Gyllenhaal as well.
There you go.
That's Boutique Hotel by Adam Dr. Buckley's Buxton.
Music by Stuart Earle.
And those songs are going up on the website.
I think they're up there now.
In fact, they'll be up in a few hours anyway.
So you can listen to them throughout the week if you're not listening live and vote for them and listen to them every day.
They'll also be in the podcast as well, of course.
And I imagine they'll be in the charts by the end of the week because they're both very, very good.
You need to let us know though which is your favourite because by next weekend there has to be a winner.
Exactly.
Best thing to do is vote via email adamandedith at bbc.co.uk just put songwars and then the name of the person who you would like to win in the header of the email to make them easier to count.
That would be Adam or Edith.
Exactly, thank you so much.
We have got some more made-up jokes coming your way after this track, which is my free play.
Yeah, why have you picked this?
UB40.
What's your favourite UB40 song, Edith?
Don't really know that much UB40.
Red Red Wine.
Red Red Wine.
You disgust me!
I knew you'd say Red Red Wine.
Everyone says Red Red Wine, not me, because I'm so unpredictable.
No, you know what?
I don't really know that much UB40 myself, but I do know this one from their first album.
In fact, I think this was their first single, double A side with the track King.
This was the first indie label song to make the UK top 10.
Wow.
I think in 1980.
uh, released on Graduate Records and I think, uh, I think this song is also regularly played at Birmingham City FC home matches.
Are you there a lot?
Not really.
Um, and the main tune is sung by the supporters during the matches.
I love that.
Fun football facts for football fans like me who love sport and balls.
But I love this song.
It's beautifully produced by Bob Lamb, very sort of minimal and atmospheric and melancholy.
And I think it's about this time of year, especially the plight of people, poor people across the world, you know, spare a thought for those people, spare a thought for people sleeping rough during these unbelievably cold, brutal nights.
And that's what this song makes me think about.
This is food for thought.
you
Waiting for the manna, coming from the west I'm a dreamer darling, lying in the dust Waiting for the manna, coming from the west
That is almost, that's almost too good.
Great tune, great choice.
That wobbly guitar solo there as well, it's just brilliant, it's a masterpiece.
UB40, food for thought.
Adam and Edith here on BBC Six Music.
Now if you go to the Six Music website, is it the website or the Facebook page or both?
Both.
Both.
Then not only will you be able to hear our Song Wars songs again,
And you will also be able to see the amazing cartoon adventures of the Adam and Edith bears, because we've been sending them home, these little figures, knitted figures, versions of ourselves, we've been sending them home with listeners for the last few weeks.
And last week they went to stay with a cartoonist, a very talented artist called Ryan Bayliss, from Ipswich.
Who wrote them into a cartoon and you can, we voiced the cartoon that he wrote.
And it's up on the Facebook page and on the six music website.
Yeah, it's good.
It's really good.
Thanks so much Ryan You can also see the official Adam and Edith Christmas card, which has been designed by friend of the show James Hood James designed some great pictures for us while we were on air me and Joe last year and He's a very talented man, and he's done a really nice Christmas card for us which you can download and
for free, for free, you know, on Monday, I think there's even going to be a more fancy PDF version that you can download.
But right now you can just grab the image and save it, right click on it and print the heck out of it and send it to your pals.
Christmas Christmas cards are expensive things.
So, you know, save that money, go to the pub and print out the Christmas card.
I mean, one has to think what kind of reception would it get?
I'm going to print it out.
If you sent it to like,
someone that didn't really know you or the show.
Why have you sent me this card with Merry Christmas Adam and Edith on it with a picture of Santa riding a motorbike, where the wheels are made out of Christmas puddings, made to look like Adam and Edith.
It looks so much like you.
It's a very good drawing.
But anyway, I think it's a lovely card so do what you will with it.
You know, maybe if you're an unpopular person you could print it out and pretend someone sent it to you.
That's what I'll be doing.
I'm actually going to use it and send it to people, so if any of my friends or family are listening, then you can expect that.
It's free.
I'm cheap.
But yeah, so do that if you'd like to.
Do you know who the Bears are off to this weekend?
They're going to all tomorrow's parties!
Yes!
I'm so jealous of our knitted figures, bonkers, with Danielle Wade from London, who's hoping to introduce them to my favourite band in the world ever, The National.
uh um dark dark dark are also playing there dear hoof i love dear hoof more or less live at all tomorrow's parties i think
They love Butlins.
So we're going to find out how they got on next weekend.
Do we have time for one more track and then or not?
We're going to do, we're going to wrap up.
Send you on your way with a couple more made-up jokes.
Yeah, I've got a couple here.
Shall I give you this one?
Blast the jingle at our faces.
Just one more time.
One more time, made-up jokes.
To delineate.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
right thanks to Steve and Epsom and sorry for this one dear Adam a lot and then Edith aren't previous years when damn a lot a damn a lot so I came along all right yeah sorry I didn't mean to
And in previous years, when my band mate Russ and I were on our way to band practice, lots of hours spent on the A3 towards Guildford.
We each come up with a joke on the spot without hesitation.
The funniest creation was the winner.
No prizes, just to take him part.
One of my most cherished creations was thus.
Why don't they sew in Antarctica?
I don't know.
Why don't they sew in Antarctica?
because they can't meet the penguin penguin the ping go in if you don't say with a pin penguin you so with a needle penguin I mean I suppose pins are involved with some forms of sewing needles yeah ping going
Well he says it at least deserves one of those, so you've already given it, he's a happy man.
He is a happy man!
Thanks for that though.
Take care, much love, hugs, kisses and other signs of affection he says as well.
Who's that?
That was Steve Coleman from Epsom and Surrey.
Thanks Steve.
Okay, I've got a couple of children's ones from Bad Kids Jokes, the Tumblr website, just to send you on your way before we bid you farewell and welcome Liz Kershaw into the studio.
I think she's talking to Captain Sensible.
There's a picture of her and Captain Sensible on the website where Sensible looks like a slimmer Ted Danson.
You know what I mean?
Like late period Ted Danson with white hair and very dashing.
I did not recognize him as
Or the guy who does Lily Savage.
What's his name?
Paul O'Grady.
O'Grady, yes.
Again, a more handsome version.
I mean, even though Paul O'Grady is obviously a devastatingly handsome man, even more handsome version of Paul O'Grady.
There you go.
That's coming up on Liz's show.
But a couple more kids jokes just to send you on your way today.
steal yourself this one is called kebab and it just says this and most of its capitalized which is why I'm gonna shout there was woman who wanted a beef kebab and the girl got her a cartoon of milk and a chicken kebab lol
she wanted a beef kebab just to recap she wanted a beef kebab but the girl got her a cartoon of milk and a chicken kebab lol and finally today finally today again this is capitalized this is called uncle who likes being gay and snogging the girls answer my ridiculous uncle edward
We'll keep them coming in.
Snoggin, spelt S-N-O-G-I-N.
Snoggin.
Who likes Snoggin girls?
Oh, it's my ridiculous uncle Edward.
Folks, thank you so much for listening and for contacting the show if you have done.
But if you haven't, listen, that's totally cool.
It's alright.
No problems.
Either way is cool.
We're cool.
It's all cool.
Get involved now.
Download our Christmas cards and the podcast will be up a little bit later on this afternoon.
Have a great week.
Take care of yourselves.
I love you.
Bye!
I ordered something, it took a while This morning something was on my doorstep What's this I'm holding?
Time capsule order, cause I'm a brand new man And I don't think I want it I don't think I want it
Hanging behind me A garden of mics and questions And photo flashes blinding me And I'm so high I can't recall my statements I only know I made them Because my face vibrated Is it all in my mind?
I could have sworn I saw it I thought I was fine To find it's what I called it
Oh, if you're feeling small And you can't throw a crap drop on the wall
I was plumbed with wind and purchased feet on gravel To have come apart, I must have once been raveled Now when pretty phrases don't mean nothing And I want to sell them, I say no line again
So smooth you can hear the beard.
So smooth you can hear the beard.
Three times his poetry.
So smooth you can hear the beard.
Oh, if you're feeling small and you can't draw a crop top on the wall.
Oh, if you're feeling small and you can't draw a crop top on the wall.
If you can't draw a crop top on the wall.
And if you can't draw a crowd, settle for what you can't draw I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin' What he's sayin' That I'm just sayin' But anyway
If you're feeling small and you can't throw a crowd, throw down a wall.
Oh, if you're feeling small and you can't throw a crowd.